But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?
by IThinkIJustGleedMyself
Summary: A/U - Being apart ain't easy on this love affair.


**This has taken me a good ten hours in to write in the past couple of days, but I was so inspired for it. It's been amazing fun to write, and it all grew from that set of pictures of Lea on the_ Sons of Anarchy_ set. **

**Be warned, the characters are a little OOC. Also, sorry for the cheesy summary ^.^**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

He can't help from peering around the familiar surroundings of Ohio, anticipation growing inside of him. The roar of his Harley reverberates right through his core, sparking inside him an excitement that has always been there since a child. But today that's not the reason his heart beats so quickly and almost swoons at the sight of the diner.

Finn halts then, the bikes behind him coming to an abrupt stop, too. For a brief few seconds, he peers through the visor of his helmet and continues to stare at the establishment. That's when the smile that's been fighting its way through finally making itself known.

He's _home_.

Yanking off his helmet with one quick tug, he places it on the rubber of the handle and dismounts. His boots are heavy against the gravel, his large frame never being one to leave a light touch. But Finn doesn't care.

As he turns, he realizes that he's the only one who's off his bike, and his friends all look to him with curiosity. All except Puck. He raises his eyebrow at Finn. "You couldn't even wait until we got settled at my place?"

Finn laughs honestly and then shakes his head. Beside Puck, Sam throws in a comment. "Well, is Hudson coming or not?" His question is directed to the both of them, and Finn turns to Puck, about to speak when he notes that the man isn't even looking at Sam. Instead, his best friend wears a knowing look, eyes drifting from Finn to the spot behind him, a smirk appearing.

That could only mean _one_ thing.

Fast as he can, he spins on his heels, breath sucking in when he sees her. She steps from beneath the small shelter and steps into the bright summer sun, her eyes sparkling with its golden glow. Her hair is slicked back into a bun, that red uniform doing nothing but drown her in material, but he still can't help thinking she's the most beautiful girl in the entire world.

His silence allows Puck to answer the words still floating in the air. "Right, let's leave them to it. It's hard enough without all you nosy fuckers watching."

With a sea of engines suddenly engulfing the air, he can barely hear anything for a few seconds. But in that time he crosses the large gap between them with eager strides. "Rachel," he sighs softly.

"Two months," she starts, slender arms crossed over that red uniform. "_Two_ months, Finn."

He frowns; he really should've expected this.

"Bab –"

"Don't you 'baby' me! I wake up and find you gone, Finn Hudson. Then you just flounce back into this place on your bike like you own the place and like you own _me_, and I'm here to tell you that it's just not good eno – "

He barely registers when his lips stick to hers, but the familiar sense of happiness could only be from kissing one Rachel Berry. Despite her anger, she melts into his embrace, hands all over him. Really, they should be worried about making a scene in front of the place where she works, but as it is both are a little _distracted_ at the moment.

When they finally come back up for air - Rachel nipping at his lips a little on purpose, he's sure – most signs of annoyance have seeped from her expression. He grins at her goofy, out of it look. She stiffens then, and narrows her eyes toward him.

"Oh, don't you think you've gotten away that easily."

He leans down and kisses her pretty little nose. "I wouldn't dream of it, Princess." Walking straight past her, he heads for the door of the diner, "please tells me you've got some of those waffles, I'm starving."

With a glance over his shoulder, he sees her lock her jaw, muttering something under her breath that he doesn't quite catch. Still, she steps through the door he's currently holding open and doesn't pull away when he wraps his arm over her thin shoulders. "You better hope I don't poison them," Rachel tells him, flouncing into the kitchen, not before sending him a scathing look.

Finn laughs, "You're not scaring me, Rach."

He lowers himself into one of the booths, oblivious to all the looks they'd been gaining. All he can think is that it's good to be home.

* * *

Her bed is much more comfortable than he remembers it being, and much warmer, too. Maybe it's just because he's been gone for so long. Coming to, his eyes blink around the room, peering at the beige colored walls.

Eyes coming into focus, he smiles down fondly to Rachel, who's nestled into the pillow and trying to ignore the morning sun. He's not so lucky, sat in the exact spot where it's streaming through the yellow curtains.

He rolls over so their bodies are touching, his manhood rubbing against her thigh as he does so. Her eyes flutter open then, lips curving downwards in tired confusion. She blinks a couple of times, glancing into his pleading face. "Finn, it's too early for that," she mumbles, throwing her head back down onto the pillow. He tugs her pliable body to his, biting his lip at the feeling of her hard nipples brushing against the hair of his chest.

"It's never too early for that," he insists.

"Go back to bed."

"I can't now. You woke me up," he points to the tent in the sheets, throwing her a look of desperation.

She rolls her eyes, "get yourself off then. You kept me up all night and _some_ of us need rest because we have to work."

"I come back and this is the reception that I get?" he scoffs.

Rachel pulls herself into a sitting position then, barely pulling the sheets up to cover her perky breasts. "This is what happens when you leave for months at a time, without calling or even letting people know where you are." She runs a hand through the tangles of chocolate hair on her head.

"I was all over the place, you know that."

She goes quiet then, eyes downcast, and her fingers play with a loose piece of thread on the sheet.

Finn frowns, "What is it, babe?" A shrug is his only response. "Rach…"

"All I wanted was a call Finn. Just – you know – so I know if you're okay or not. A quick, 'hi Rach, I'm fine and I miss you'."

"Hey Rach," he starts, earning an eye roll from her.

"Don't –"

"I am perfectly fine and healthy," he leans in closer, nose nuzzling the soft, sweet skin of her neck. "And I really fucking missed you."

She jerks herself away, "Finn."

Finn's strong arms pulls her small form right back to him, resting against his chest. Moulding into him, she finally manages a smile. He grins. "You know how much I care about you, Princess," he insists, holding her tightly. "I wouldn't keep coming back for just _anybody_."

"And that's supposed to make me feel special?"

He kisses along her collar bone, "you _are_ special." Her hand slowly moves from her waist and down her navel, causing her to shiver in his arms. As it travels further south, slowing just above her clit, he smirks, "and smart and beautiful, and I'm one lucky bastard, right?"

Her hand stops him before he can reach his prize, making to climb out of bed. She steps into a flimsy dressing gown and reaches for her cigarettes, before she sits at the window. "Lucky," she shakes her head, placing the cigarette in her mouth as she lights it and then takes a drag. "I'd hardly call seeing someone like me lucky."

His frown is instant. "Why would you say that?"

Rachel looks to him in bewilderment. "Finn, are you blind? Look at this place!" She points around the plain room of the apartment she rents, then peers outside in the streets of Ohio. "This is hardly where I saw myself growing up."

Standing, he tugs up his boxers and moves over to the window with her. "It's not that bad here, Rach," he says in hopes of bringing up her mood.

"Oh yeah, then why is it that _you_ leave here so often?"

His lips struggle around the lie. "Business."

Rachel, as usual, sees right through him. They sit as she finishes her cigarette in silence, before standing up and coming to stand before him. She places a hand on either shoulder, smiling down the man, "I don't know why you always come back to see me, but I appreciate it." With a gentle smile, she kisses his forehead, lips lingering there for a few seconds longer than needed. "Right, I'm going to get the girls ready for school."

"I'll help," he begins, despite her insistence that he doesn't have to. "I want to," he tells her. Then adds, "I'll make breakfast, you deserve a break from cooking."

She smiles more brightly then, surprising him with a searing kiss. Her lips taste like smoke and that cherry lip balm she wears, and he moves in to deepen the kiss, arms sliding around her waist. She only pulls away as he sneakily squeezes her ass, raising her eyebrow. "Later," she promises, eyes shining with excitement.

* * *

She's quiet, and that's not very Rachel-like at all. But he gets it. He totally does.

The thought of leaving her is like sticking a thousand needles in his heart. Yet here he is, doing that to the both of them as he readies himself to go. He's sat at the diner, in his usual spot by the window.

Rachel's so angry that she got another waitress to serve him, but he catches her giving him looks from the counter every so often. When she sees him watching, he tries to smile. It's to no avail as she huffs and stomps around the place like it's nobody's business.

He eats alone, wishing she was sat by his side, and as always he wonders why he doesn't just stay. Why he can't do what Rachel wants him to do the most and commit to a life of domesticity with her and the kids.

But then his friends are outside, ready to go on the road again, and he honestly feels torn in two. This is the downside to seeing Rachel. No matter how amazing their days are together, how giddy and excited he feels when he's with her, he inevitably has to go. With that comes the doubt and second thoughts, and _fuck_, it kills him every time.

Turning, he tries to find her, though she's nowhere to be seen. Heart dropping a little, he pays his bill and gives Tina, one of the other waitresses, an envelope for Rachel. Inside is three hundred dollars – something to put toward her and the girls for the next few weeks. It makes his conscience that little bit less guilty.

Shoulders low, head hung, he is beckoned outside by the group, carrying his helmet tightly in his left hand. Puck shares some sympathy with him. He's had his fair share of romances through the years, though nothing as intense as theirs. It's been a year now. A year that hadn't felt like a long time when he'd been living it, but now he realizes how significant their time together has been, how strongly attached he's become to her.

And it's breaking him in two to say goodbye. Not even that, to just walk out again. 'Cause she's too pissed to even see him.

Sat on his bike, he's just about to start her up when he hears a voice that could belong to no one other that Rachel. His head swivels around, finding her rushing toward him, and practically falling into his arms. "Be safe," she hurriedly says into his shoulder.

His hand cradles the back of her head, craving that closeness. "I will, I promise." He doesn't care about their audience, he's so damn happy that he gets to see her again, if only for a brief few seconds.

Finn litters her forehead with kisses, ignoring the cat calls of his friends. "And you look after yourself, okay?" His fingers comb through her hair, "I'll be back real soon, I swear Rach."

"You better not leave it until two months again," she laughs, though her voice is thick with upset.

He has a matching lump in his throat. "You won't even notice I'm gone."

* * *

Finn watches her from the corner of his eye as she makes her way around the table, all smiles and forced cheerfulness that he knows she hates doing for the job. Most of the people are rude to her, but she just has to grin and bear it.

Not long after, she slips into the booth beside him. He grins at the feeling of her body flush against him, wishing they were somewhere more private because he'd be all over her if they were. "Have you been waiting here for me all morning?" she asks, batting her eyelashes innocently.

"I didn't want to disturb you while you were working."

"_Sure_," she chuckles, "if you got the chance, you'd have me in the supply closet in a matter of seconds."

"Ah, you got me."

Rachel gives a light shake of her head, "you're all the same."

"What?"

"Men," she affirms, "you're all the same. Especially your type, Finn Hudson." She pokes at his chest.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" He asks with a playful smirk on his lips.

She leans in closer, eyes almost daring him to prove her wrong. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're the type of guy that leaves a trail of broken hearts in his wake. How do I know how many girls you've got on the go?" She shrugs, trying to keep her voice light, though he can sense the genuine worry coming from her.

Leaning forward, he cups her chin between calloused fingers, forcing her to look into his hazel eyes. "I'm not Puck, Princess."

"And I thought that Brody was a good guy, too. But he left me with a broken heart and two kids to raise," she counters.

Finn reels backwards, "are you comparing me to _Brody_? That asshole is nothing an –"

"I'm just making a point," she states, "I never said that you'd do that to me."

"You implied it." He looks to her, wishing that he didn't sound so hurt. If his friends could see him now, his sensitive side pushing the other Finn out of the way. Surely they'd mock him for getting so upset over one relationship, but they don't get it. With Rachel, it's different. It's special.

She shrugs off his touch, though moves in closer. Her eyes seem to dance in the synthetic light hanging above them. "Then prove me wrong."

Rachel doesn't give him a chance to reply then, tugging herself away and reaching into her pocket. "I'm going for a smoke before my break's over. You comin'?"

Despite the intensity of the moment mere seconds ago, he manages to snap himself back into reality and give a breathless nod. She reaches out a hand for him, leading the man outside and into the warm Autumn air, where he brews over her words.

He'll prove her wrong, he thinks, and _then some_.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing?" Puck stares to him like he's lost it.

"I'm trying to shop, dude. What would a four year old like?"

His eyebrows bunch together, hand reaching out to clamp on Finn's shoulder and pull him away from the display of _Frozen_ dolls. "Finn, listen to yourself!"

"What's wrong?"

Puck shakes his head, eyes widened. "Is this about Rachel? I know she's realizing it's about time to dump your ass by now, but this is a little far, don't you think?"

He gives him a hard look, jaw setting. "She is not going to dump me. Well, she can't because we're not officially together. I just – I always see her when I'm in Ohio." He eyes the dolls again, "And I'm serious, which one do you think she'd like. Allison's birthday is next week, or I'm pretty sure it is."

"Holy crap, I knew you cared about Rachel, but not _this_ much."

Finn lets out a long sigh, suddenly appearing uncertain in front of his best friend. He's eternally grateful that it's just the two of them, because Puck's right. This isn't him. Or at least, the Finn that they're used to. Right now he's the Finn that he is when Rachel's around, and it's throwing everything off. But how else is he supposed to prove to her that he's serious?

He continues searching through the never-ending amount of children's toys, knowing that he needs something better and bigger. He hears Puck sigh, "What about that?"

Finn's eyes follow where he's pointing, and then a huge grin grows on his lips, "perfect."

* * *

He feels completely out of place amongst the sea of suburban parents strewn around the yard. Being tall, he can easily search for one woman in particular, though it's made easily when he spies her in her red uniform.

Smile slipping onto his lips, he walks toward her with determination in his steps, slowing as he sees her beginning to recognize him. Rachel bounds right up to the man, earning a dirty look off a mother that she almost barges into. "What're you doing here, Finn?" Her words are hissed, eyes darting about in hope that no one's noticed.

"Aren't you happy to see me?"

She practically recoils from his touch, anger dancing in her eyes. "You can't just show up at my daughters' school after being gone for a month." She looks to him in disbelief, "that isn't how it goes."

"I wanted to see you," he steps closer, daring to try and touch her again. This time she doesn't move as his fingers stroke her arm.

Rachel glares at him, annoyance in every contour of her face. "There's such a thing as a phone. I know you've gone all freelance, but you can't tell me that you never get to use a damn phone." He feels all his fresh hope disappearing as he looks into the eyes of a woman that he's let down all too many times. Finn manages to pull her into him, and despite herself, Rachel leans against his chest, head settled just below his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles when he feels how tight she holds him. Maybe she's checking if he's really there, or maybe she's just enjoying the moments she has with him. Either way, the small action causes his heart to clench painfully and tightly together.

She doesn't say anything, but he can feel it being saved up for later. His insides tremble a bit at that. When Rachel's pissed, she's _pissed_. And while he can usually steer clear of her bad side with the right words and some good timing, he's faced the wrath of Rachel Berry before.

His eyes move ahead when the kids start leaving the school, peering around for the right ones. Rachel tugs herself away from him, though he smiles as he realizes she's still holding onto his hand.

Allison and Emily come out together, Emily tightly clinging to her little's sister hand as she pulls them through the crowd of parents and students alike, while looking for their mom. Rachel gives them a small wave, her smile giving way to a full on beam as they start running up to her. Though they're just as tiny as she is, she can't pick them both up and has to settle for them moulding into either side. "Hey girls," she smiles, "did you have a good day?"

"We did finger paints!" Emily pulls out a picture from her bag, of what looks like a blobby kitten. Finn can't stop himself from chuckling at it; that instantly earns a set of daggers from Rachel. And both girls peer to who their mom is looking at.

"Finn!" Allison rushes to him first, throwing herself into his arms. "You came back."

He lifts her with ease, "'course I did. I always come back."

Emily tugs on his shirt, "did you see the new episode of _Spongebob_ yet, Finn?" She bounces on her feet, craning her neck a far way to stare up at him.

Bending down, he manages to scoop her up too. "Not yet. We'll have to watch it when we get back to yours, right?"

"Just invite yourself over then," Rachel mutters under her breath, taking the girls bags as they begin to walk out of the yard.

He leans forward, planting a kiss on her cheek, "I missed you."

She doesn't say it back, but he's sure he can see the same sentiment in her eyes. Emily giggles, "Mommy has Finn cooties!"

"Ewwww," Allison joins in, scrunching up her nose.

He mocks offence, "what? Is there something wrong with my cooties?" Before either can react, he takes turns in littering their faces with kisses, earning squeals and giggles from them. Out of the corner of his eyes, he catches Rachel watching them fondly.

She suddenly halts as they get to the street. "You brought your _bike_ with you?" She points to the shiny, black _Harley_ parked across the street.

"Well, how else did I get here?"

"I wanna ride it!" Allison announces, struggling to climb down Finn's large frame.

While he laughs, Rachel's face is completely aghast. "No, no, _no_. Finn, don't you dare put my child on that bike!"

"Mommy," she pouts, using the same trick on Rachel that her mother uses on Finn.

"Come on," he pleads with her, "I won't turn it on. I'll just push it home. Look, she can put the helmet on if you want."

Rachel folds her arms over her chest, "that helmet weighs more than _she_ does."

"Fine, no helmet. Come on dude," he swiftly lifts her onto the seat, "now you can be a little biker." She giggles, tugging herself forward and reaching for the handles.

"Mommy, look!" He grins, even more so when he looks to Rachel and finds her peering at the scene through her fingers.

He reaches an arm around her, pulling her into his chest. "Relax. It's not going anywhere."

"The other parents already think I'm irresponsible enough. The last thing I need is for them to see my five year old on a motorbike, thank you very much." She goes to lift Allison off of it, but Finn's outstretched hand stops her.

"Rach, who gives a damn what they think?" he asks, capturing her attention with his soft voice. She looks to him sadly, upset clear in her features. It's no secret to anyone about what happened to Rachel. News travels fast in such a small town and with two kids to prove the scandal, she can hardly deny it. But he knows that it upsets her more than she lets on, and it hurts to see that. "Look at them, babe." He points to her children, laughing and giggling as Emily tries to climb up beside her sister, "look how happy they are. Tell me what's more important."

She watches with a torn expression, fingers fidgeting with her apron, before she finally gives a decisive nod. "Fine, you're right."

"Are we okay to go home then?" he smiles, kissing her forehead, "I can push them on it. It's cheating a little, but technically they're riding the bike."

Rachel hesitates for all of a few seconds, though pushes past her anxieties and moves to stand beside the bike. While he starts pushing, he notes her watching the girls. _Finally_, a smile makes its way to her lips as they excitedly pretend to be riding it for real, imitating the engine sounds and all.

It doesn't take long to get back to Rachel's small apartment, Finn chaining his bike up outside before climbing the few flights of stairs to her door. She's left it unlocked, and as he enters he's met with stunned silence from the woman.

He peers inside, though he already knows what's there. Pink banners and decorations, a novelty cake from the bakery he was obsessed with when he was a kid, and the shiny new bike sitting in the middle of the living room. Rachel turns to look at him, shocked, confused, but clearly overjoyed. "You said you keep a spare key on top of the doorframe, in case there's an emergency… and I know it was her birthday was yesterday," he starts, in somewhat of an explanation, "but it's better late than never, right?"

Allison is practically screaming over the new addition to the room, bouncing around and looking at it from every angle.

Rachel finally manages to snap herself out of surprise, taking small steps up to him. He's watching the girls' reaction, smiling fondly to himself, but his gaze move downwards as she wraps her arms around him. "I don't know what to say," she begins, almost breathless.

"Then don't say anything." He nods toward them, then smiles, "they're good kids."

She peers up to him, giving her own watery smile. "That they are."

"It's really no wonder with you as their mom."

Touched by his words, she's oddly silent. Though he assumes that she's lost of thought, and he takes that as the perfect moment to begin setting up the cake. What? He's _hungry_. And he can smell that chocolate frosting all the way from here.

* * *

He watches as she finishes putting the girls to sleep. Through the open door, he smiles at the sound of her reading their bed time story, something about trolls and fairies. The man finds himself chuckling at her voices for the different characters. With a grin on his face, he continues to clean up the plates from dinner.

Though his hands still as he's drying a glass when he hears Emily ask Rachel a simple question.

"Mommy, will Finn still be here in the morning?"

Rachel hesitates. And that kills him. Because she doesn't _know_ if he'll still be there in the morning. There's been too many times when she's woken up to an empty bed. Guilt hits him like a ton of bricks, and he feels like absolute shit, though he guesses he deserves that.

He continues to listen, until finally she summons her voice. "Maybe, sweetie. Why do you want to know?"

"'Cause if Allison rides her new bike to school tomorrow, then I get to ride Finn's bike." Despite feeling like the worst human being on Earth, he manages a small smile. He can't correct her logic there.

Rachel laughs, too. "Well, I'll ask him, alright?"

"Okay," she accepts sleepily, adding, "it's nice when Finn's there in the morning."

The woman doesn't miss a beat as she quietly agrees. "Yeah, it is." She proceeds with goodnight kisses then, a few minutes later closing the door behind her and into the quiet living room. Finn stands at the sink, paralyzed by his own thoughts. Rachel tiptoes up to him, hands gliding up his back and to his shoulders, before softly resting there.

"Are you done yet?"

"Almost," he gets out, voice not his own. She notices straight away, head tilting as she stares at him.

Her smile falters, "What's wrong?"

"Do they always say stuff like that?"

She peers to the closed bedroom door, and then back to Finn. Quietly, she says, "sometimes. They have known you for a year – it's only natural that they're attached."

He closes his eyes, reality finally seeming to hit him square in the face. The romance with Rachel had never been planned, instead something that'd swept them off their feet on one lonely night and gone from there. It'd been easy at first, coming and going. They weren't officially together (well, they _still_ aren't) but there were no expectations, no responsibilities.

And all of this is hard to wrap his head around, the feeling of being wanted by the entirety of this little family, not just Rachel. 'Cause it's not just about them, it's about those two little girls in there, too.

You know, he loves them. He fucking adores each and every one of them, but he just _can't_ stay. Because he has a life on the road, because he has friends who depend on him, and because he's fucking terrified that he can't be the man that they want him to be.

* * *

He wakes when he feels a pair of lips gently kiss his cheek, smiling tiredly. "Morning' Princess," he opens his eyes into small slits, staring out at the rumpled bed sheets.

"I'm going for a shower," she tells him. He nods, stretching out his resistant muscles and watching her leave. She probably expects him to stay in bed - he usually does – but today he dresses himself quickly, heading out into the kitchen and starting some toast.

Rachel normally gets the girls up about now, so he moves as quietly as someone his size can and wakes the pair up. Their happy faces are enough to bring a huge grin to his own, urging them into the kitchen to help make breakfast.

None of them exactly have the curliness prowess that Rachel does, so she really shouldn't have been that surprised when she came out fully dress in her work uniform to find the kitchen a little bit worse for wear. At the small table, the three of them sit with a buffet of food, more than enough for four people.

"What the…?"

"We made breakfast, mommy!" Allison grin, chewing on a piece of toast.

She steps further toward them, eyeing the mess. "I can see that. Are we having guests over?"

"Nope, Finn just said he's hungry!"

Eyes falling on the main culprit, he smirks back at her.

Rachel purses her lips together, "and does Finn know that food is expensive in this house?"

"Stop worrying," he insists, "I'll pay you back. Now enjoy the food that we slaved over an oven to make."

After breakfast and then dropping off the girls, they walk toward the diner. "Are you sure I can't give you a lift?" he insists, pointing to his bike that he's pushing uselessly at his side.

She shakes her head, taking a drag of the cigarette she'd started as soon as the girls were out of sight. They know she smokes, but Rachel doesn't like to do it in front of them. "Not a chance," she starts, puffing out a cloud of gray smoke. "That thing is a death trap."

"Oh yeah, and you're here smoking something that's slowly killing you anyway."

"Please Finn. I've had enough lectures to last a lifetime."

"You know it'll ruin your voice as well," he points out.

Rachel's expression is close to dangerous then. "What does that matter? It's not like I'm ever going to need it, anyway. All hopes I had of becoming a singer were ruined the second Brody Weston entered my life."

"Why won't you ever becoming a singer?"

"Right, I forgot that people are desperate to hire single moms. Not to mention ones who're High School dropouts." She retorts sarcastically.

"Rache –"

She stops him, a frown firmly planted, "you don't get it, Finn. You could have anything you want – I know that your dad left you a huge saving trust when he died, and if you so much as utter your name people will do anything for you. But I don't have that luxury."

"Hey don't act like everything is perfect for me, either." He hurries after her where she's whisking off to.

A scoff follows. "Right, it must be so horrible being able to just pick up and leave whenever you want, go wherever you want. Finn, you have apartments all over the country, a string of hotels that you gain all the profit from, and nobody to take care of. Pfft, it must be real hard." She gives him a terse look, "now if you'll excuse me I have to go and work so that my family can eat tonight."

He calls after her, but to no avail. And he watching with hope fading as she furthers the gap between them.

* * *

She's outside when he pulls up, alone today. It's cold, but she doesn't seem to notice as she stares out at the scenery, either oblivious to him or ignoring him. He'd prefer the latter. Finn saunters toward her, "not smoking today?" He gestures to her free hands.

Rachel jumps, eyes finally focusing on him. A hand placed over her racing heart, she sighs, "that was unnecessary," and yes, I'm trying to quit thank you very much."

He hesitates, then asks, "Do I not get a proper hi?"

"The question is whether you deserve one or not." Her eyes drift over him, "what's the excuse this time?"

"Rach," he starts. "I didn't mean to upset you the last time we spoke."

"Well you _did_."

He gives her a look, "let me make it up to you, please."

"I don't need you to buy me anything, if that's what you're implying. I may not be rich, but I'm certainly not your charity case."

"Just have a little faith in me, okay?"

Rachel eyes him for a few moments

"Okay," she finally says. "I get off work in a half hour."

"I'll wait," he supplies, pointing to his usual table. Rachel nods, following him inside where she offers him a drink.

"Hey sweetheart, you're back!" Both their heads turn at the sound of the man, Rachel sighing while Finn looks on in confusion. She politely smile at him, though continues to write down what Finn wants.

"I'll be a couple of minutes," she tells Finn before heading to give his order in. He watches as she tentatively moves to the table of men, all looking to be in their fifties with unkempt looks and a leer that he doesn't like. He's almost up and out of his seat when he sees one of them go to grab her ass, posing it as an accident.

She returns back moments later with his scotch. "Rachel," he starts.

"Don't Finn, you're wasting your breath."

"You can't let them do that to you!"

"I finish soon, just leave it. And then we can go home."

He sits tensely in the corner, just waiting for any of those assholes to even try touching her again. They must know, because they keep sending Finn glances when they think he's not looking. It's safe to say that he's all too relieved when Rachel returns with her coat and bag, readying herself to leave.

Finn hurriedly gets her outside, still grumbling a little under his breath.

She chuckles, "if I weren't mistaken, I'd say you were jealous, Finn Hudson."

"Just protective, Princess. Those guys were creeps."

"So is most of the male population in Ohio." She shrugs, "you learn to live with it. Can we hurry up? I'm cold!"

He nods, then suddenly freezes, "wait? It's six, where are the girls?"

"Oh stop panicking," she grins at his dumbfound expression, "they're staying with a friend tonight. I love them, but I need a break every once in a while."

Finn perks up, "so the apartment is empty?" There's a dangerous look in his eyes, gaining an eye roll from the woman.

"You are insatiable."

"I haven't seen you in two weeks," he says, "sue me." Moving up to her side, her slides his arms around her waist and causing her to squeal as he squeezes her hips.

"Finn!"

He gives a bright smile, "come on, and say that you haven't missed me. I dare you to."

"You know that I always miss you," she says, more in a quiet confession that anything else. She seems a little more distant that usual, but he doesn't dwell on that as there's the proposition of an empty apartment for the night.

Reaching down, he steals a kiss from her lips, then tugs on her hand. "Let's get home."

* * *

They lay in her bed, curled up from the cold and enjoying the bliss post orgasm. Though when he glances down at her, he's sure that he can see worry disguised in her features. "What're you thinkin', Princess?"

She pauses, "why do you call me that?"

"I, um – I guess I just do," he frowns, "I never really thought about it. Does it bother you?"

"No, of course not. But I'm the farthest thing from what a princess would be."

Finn furrows his brows together, rolling onto his side to get a better look at her. "Rach, you're kind, sweet, and beautiful. You always know what to do, and everyone loves you. What more does it take?"

"Everyone doesn't love me," she comments sadly, regretfully. "My dads haven't even spoken to me in six years. I still remember the night I left, how disappointed in me they were…" She closes her eyes, "I wish I hadn't ran away like that."

"You could always go back."

Rachel shakes her head firmly. "I can't. I told them that I'd make it without them; that I'd be this big star and they'd realize that letting me go was a mistake." She scoffs, "so much for making it." She glances around the tiny bedroom, the double bed just barely able to fit in. After a long sigh, she adds, "it'd take all of three seconds for them to say 'I told you so'."

"You don't know that. I'm sure they'd want to meet Emily and Allison, they're so amazing. And you're their daughter, Rach. They must miss you."

She only shrugs, though he can see her eyes glistening with tears.

Suddenly she's sat up straight and staring to him, "we need to talk, Finn."

"What about?" he asks nervously, trying to keep the tremble from his voice.

"I – I started seeing someone."

His whole world suddenly stops, "you what?" He repeats her words in his head, but they still don't seem to make any sense to him.

She clears her throat, eyes averted away from his. "He's called Jesse. He's the girls' paediatrician, and the last time I took Allison to the doctors, things just… happened."

"No. Things don't just happen, Rachel." He stares to her in shock. "What about me?"

"What about you, Finn?"

"Me. _Us_, Rach? Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Rachel recoils at his words, anger rising inside. "Don't we mean anything to _you_? For a year and a half you've just shown up whenever you damn well feel like it, no warning. I have to rearrange everything when you decide to turn up, Finn. And I don't even get one lousy phone call when you're gone for weeks. What kind of relationship is that?"

"If I called you I'd just want to come back to you!" he exclaims.

"Oh, and that's such a terrible thing, isn't it?" she throws the covers off herself, beginning to search for her clothes. "God, how awful it must be to have someone that wants to spend time with you."

"No, you know what I mean, Rachel. I have a life with my friends –"

"On the road, I know. Running away from every responsibility you've ever been given. From your father's hotel, from the pressures of your family – running away from _me_."

"That is _not_ true." He insists, following her as she stomps about the room.

Rachel scoffs, "please, every time I even hint at some form of commitment, you run like a scared little boy. Is that why you keep your friends from High School around? So you can pretend that you're a teenager again. Well guess what Finn? You're twenty eight and it's time to grow up!" She grabs one of her pillows, throwing it at him in a fit of rage.

He just about manages to dodge it, looking to Rachel with wide eyes, but her snarl doesn't budge. "What's wrong with that, huh? You're only jealous because you can't do that!" The second the words leave his lips, he's bombarded with regret. The emotion painfully seeps into his bones, his expression strained.

"_Of course_ I'm jealous," she cries out, "you can take off whenever you damn feel like it, but I can't, Finn. I didn't even get to finish my own childhood because I had a baby when I was seventeen and I had to drop out of school so I could take care of her. And then the same bastard who did that to me got me pregnant again and just left. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how scared I was?"

"Rachel…" he says quietly, her words like a dagger to his heart. He knew, of course he did, but he's never heard her talk about it with such pain before. "Please."

"You don't know what that feels like," she shakes her head angrily, "you have no idea what it's like to have someone depend on you completely and be all alone in the world." Rachel looks him dead in the eye as she says, "you've only ever had to look after yourself."

His own dose of irritation comes them, Finn pointing accusingly at her. "You don't know that."

"Who have you ever cared for, Finn. _Please_, humor me."

"You." He says, firmly and strong.

She rolls her eyes, "right. Okay."

"Don't you ever try to deny it, Rachel. I've done so much for you, looked after the girls when you couldn't. I give you money every time I see you just to help you pay the damn bills."

"I never asked for any of your money," she throws back at him.

"You needed help –"

Her nostrils flare, and Rachel bristles at the very idea. "I am a grown woman. I don't need your help." Her words are punctuated with another pillow aimed his way. "I don't need you deciding what's best for me, Finn."

"But I care about you. How am I supposed to leave knowing that you'll be struggling to pay rent? Or if you have to stay off work because you can't afford a babysitting?"

"Don't you get it?" Her voice raises to its highest peak now, shrill and worn, but still going. "I don't want any of that stuff, Finn. I want _you_. When I wake up in the morning I want to be able to look over and see you, not an empty bed. I want the girls to have a father figure, someone that they know they can rely on if there's ever a time when I'm not there - and most of all I just want a shoulder to cry on when I've had an awful day and for you to tell me it's all going to be fine." She finally lets the torrent of tears through, words fighting against the lump in her throat. "The worst thing is I don't just want these things, I _need_ them, Finn. But every time I get closer with you, you pull further away from me."

He can't speak, staring to her with his heart ripped out of his chest at her confessions. He doesn't fucking deserve it; he's acted heartless this entire time.

"So okay, I went out on a couple of dates with someone that might be able to give me half of the love I feel with you. But at least I don't have to stay up all night worrying where he is." She takes in a deep breath, steadying all of her thoughts. Finn himself feels confused, upset, with a healthy dose of self-hatred right now. "Now, please Finn. If you ever cared about me, get your things and go."

Finn dresses himself in silence, telling himself to defend himself, to stick up for them. But he knows it's useless. She's right; who would want that kind of relationship? So much time apart. When they're together, though, it's different. It's wonderful and amazing, and it's _right_.

And he honestly can't believe that he's losing it.

She sits on the bed the entire time, staring at something in hands. Finn can't help glancing back to her every few minutes, eyes begging the woman to change her mind. But she's stoic, crestfallen expression keeping in place.

He slows as he puts on the last item of clothing, then stares to her. God, he doesn't want to leave. It's really fucking ironic that the time he wants to stay the most is when she doesn't even want him there.

"You're right," he admits regretfully to himself, "and you deserve better than me Rachel. You deserve someone who isn't too scared to man up and be part of your family." He physically has to push the next few words from his lips, "I hope Jesse can give you all that." Tears threatening to choke him, he knows he has to be quick. He reaches for the stack of paper she keeps next to the phone, hurriedly writing down a number.

"But if you ever need me, for anything, call me. I don't care what time it is, or why you need. Just… just call," he hands over the paper to her.

"All I ever wanted was your number so I could call and I only get it when things are ending," she says, without it sounding sure if she's laughing or crying. He doesn't want to know which. "Fate is cruel."

Finn doesn't reply to that, instead leaning down and placing a tender kiss to her lips, one to remember him by. He whispers another apology along her mouth.

And the he leaves. Though he tells himself that she doesn't want him back, he knows in his heart that this isn't the end of things.

* * *

He misses her.

Like, he _always_ misses her, but this is ridiculous. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is Rachel, and he's not the only one who's noticed.

She's right, everything she said was right. He's scared. No – terrified. How is he supposed to just go from living freelance on the road to domesticated dad and boyfriend? That just… it doesn't seem like something that could ever happen. He'd screw up, his inexperience making itself know and surely she'd want rid of him.

Not that that's any worry now. She's already done that, hasn't she? Traded him in for someone else. But he can't even find it in himself to be pissed at her for it because what girl in her right mind would want to stay with _him_? He still isn't sure why Rachel put up with him for so long, and he hopes deep in his heart that it's because she cared so much.

And she knew all along that it wouldn't end up with the fairy tale happily ever after; she'd fucking told him. Yet she'd put up with his shit regardless. Finn still feels angry at himself, torturing his soul with things that he could and should have done.

"If you miss her so much, then go," Puck tells him later that night, no amount of pity for him. Sure, he's played a lot of girls, but not like this. He hadn't taunted the possibility of a future together and then continuously taken it away. Fuck, he's an asshole.

"It's not that simple… she probably hates me"

Puck raises his brow, "well no shit. Doesn't mean that you can't try to get her back."

"The only way she'd want me was if I could stay with her."

"…and?"

"Oh yeah Puck, can you imagine me as the family guy, with the two kids, wife and picket fence?" he grumbles.

"Actually, yes." Finn gives him a look of surprise, "For fuck sake, you spent an hour looking for the right present for her kid, you look at Rachel like she's a fucking goddess and since she dumped your sorry ass you've done nothing but miss her and the kids. Face it Finn, you're in way too deep to just leave her, and you know it."

"So… I should go back?"

"Are you dumb?" Puck rolls his eyes, "Hell yeah you should!"

"But what about you guys?"

"Look, dude, we can get along just fine without you. Believe it or not, we know our way across the states." He leans in closer, "and between you and me everyone is sick of your lame ass whining about Berry."

Suddenly hit with a new dose of inspiration, he nods. "I'll go back – convince her to let me stay."

"That's a boy!"

"But what if I screw up, Puck?" The inspiration leads way to fear, and then anxiety.

Puck only shakes his head, "then you admit it like a man and apologize."

* * *

He frowns as he steps inside Sue's diner, a quick glance of the area showing no sign of Rachel whatsoever. Forehead creasing, he checks the time. She should be there by now; so why can't he find her?

Finn decides to wait, hoping that maybe she's just in the back and she'll come out any second now. But she doesn't. Seconds turn into minutes, and then it's suddenly a half hour with no sign of the woman. He manages to flag down Tina, who's balancing plates on both arms. She looks annoyed when he stops hers. "Where's Rachel?"

"Not in today," she says simply, though he doesn't miss the tense note to her tone. No doubt Rachel's been bitching about him since the day he's been gone.

But he doesn't think about that as he continues to stare to Tina, eyes pleading for more of an answer than that. "Is she at home?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I care about Rachel."

She scoffs, "you sure have a funny way of showing it."

"Tina, please. I just need to see her." He feels his heart seizing in desperation, because it's been over a month since he's seen her. And for that month he's been letting their argument eat away at him, until there's nothing but raw guilt, itching and itching inside of him. All he knows is that he can't let this go on.

The woman observes him closely, trying to find any falter in his expression. But it remains sincere, and that's when she sighs. "She said she'll be getting home around one. I suggest you go and wait for her there."

"Thank you, thank you!" he starts gratefully, jumping to his feet and grabbing his jacket, when her hand catches him.

"She's not going to be happy to see you, Finn."

"I know," his voice trails off sadly, "but I have to see her."

With that, he makes a hasty exit, hopping onto his bike and heading straight for her apartment. It's not a long drive, so he knows there's a wait ahead of him for Rachel to get back to the apartment. He'd wait all night if he had to.

After a good hour of waiting and wondering, his anxiety making itself known, he hears quick footsteps approaching. Opening his eyes and pulling himself from the wall he'd been leaning against, his eyes land on Rachel for the first time in over a month. As always, his breath is stolen by her beauty, heart racing, and his arms plead to reach out and hold her.

But today he feels that breathlessness for another reason.

She's crying. Not crying like when she watches a movie and the emotions take hold of her, or when she's had a stressful day and needs a good cathartic cry to put herself on track, but she's _shaking_. Her arms are wrapped tightly around herself, while the tears fall freely down her cheeks, Rachel choking and hitching as she tries to keep the remaining remnants of control.

One look into her red rimmed eyes, and he's striding over there without a second thought of what's the right thing to do. She looks to him, face paling. "Finn," she croaks out, a mixture between broken and relieved. "I –"

"Shhh," he whispers to her as he pulls her into a comforting and strong embrace, though she's still trembling, sobs teetering on the edge of her lips. His concern sky rockets when she lets him lead her without any complaints to her apartment, taking the keys from her unsteady hands. "Come on."

Once inside, he sits her on the old couch, rushing to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. She takes it silently, sipping at the cool drink until her sobs are only the occasional whimper. His large hand moves up and down her smooth back, voice calling out her name gently. Rachel blinks, and then stares up to him with a look so broken he swears his heart shatters right there and then. "W-what happened?" He asks; he's been dying to find out ever since he saw her, a stream of horrible scenarios running through his head, one after the other.

She covers her mouth with her hands, tears welling up in her eyes again. Just when he thinks she's going to start crying all over again, she moves herself toward the edge of the couch with edgy movements and peers around the room. "I need a cigarette," she states, finding the pack in her jacket pocket.

She doesn't even have the energy to move to an open window, she raises it to her lips and lights, instantly closing her eyes in relief. "Rachel," he tries again, finally managing to gain her attention. She looks so small, seemingly shrinking into herself under his appraisal. "Baby, please talk to me."

"You…" she points to him, sucking in a deep breath, "don't get to call me that anymore." She desperately tries to seem strong, like she's glued all the cracks in her façade together, but he knows it won't last forever. She's never been good at hiding her emotion from him.

"I know, I – Rachel, please. You can't pretend that everything is okay."

She flinches, "I'm not pretending that anything is okay, Finn. I just came to _my_ home to find you once again waiting, because you can't decide what you want. But _I_ do. I know… I –" Her voice becomes more hysterical the longer she speaks, until it cracks under the pressure and she lets out a series of sobs.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, feeling paralyzed and useless as he watches her, "I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen."

Rachel looks up to him then, a humourless smile on her lips. "That's what Brody said to me before he left."

And it makes him angry, so fucking angry that she's comparing him to Brody again. But not for that reason, but because it's fucking true. He _is_ like him. He's an asshole and he played Rachel whenever it was convenient. He loves her, he worships the ground she fucking walks on, yet he still chose to leave her again and again. That makes him worse than Brody.

"Oh fuck," he mumbles to himself, holding his spinning head. He doesn't know what to do, what to say. The bombarding of all these emotions leaves him drained, hating himself for what he's done.

Then she throws another bombshell at him.

"I was pregnant."

Time is still. For once Rachel silent, everything is fucking silent. He swears he could hear a pin drop across the other side of the damn world. He stares to her, in disbelief, in bewilderment. Because she was pregnant. With a baby, a real honest to god baby that can breathe and move and think, and has a life of its own.

_His_ baby. Fuck fuck fuck.

Did he mention _fuck_?

The words don't want to sink in, shock hitting him again and again, a relentless attack that he guesses he probably deserves. Nausea creeps in then, slowly, before becoming all too strong and shutting down every other feeling. He's going to throw up. No, he's going to fuckin pass out or something.

He knows that she's watching, and despite all his inner turmoil he can feel how devoid of emotion his expression really is, but he does see how she can barely look him in the eye, how her hands wring around together.

"_Shit_," he eventually says. Not the most detailed description, but it's pretty explanatory as to how he's feeling.

Rachel pales even further.

Her lips quake again, face stone cold. "I said I _was_. I'm not anymore."

And then it clicks. Her taking the day off, coming home cry. She – oh fuck. "I should've been there with you," he insists, "you shouldn't have… not alone."

"I didn't want anyone," she whispers, eyes brimming again. He feels his own tears threatening to fall, his heart ripping in two. In a matter of a minute, he'd gained and lost a child. Nothing in life ever prepares you for that.

"Rachel –"

She shakes her head vehemently, "They would've talked me out of it. And I'm _not_ having a repeat of what happened with Brody. I'm not bringing a baby that I can't raise into this world."

Her eyes lock onto his. He can see all her heartache and pain, and it fucking hurts him too. And he knows that she pissed at him, for screwing her over. For literally screwing her and then leaving, not just her but _his_ baby. You know, he'd be damn pissed as well.

But he has to hold her – even more so now that he knows. He reaches out, his touch delicate and trepid. Even though she has every fucking right to hate him, she falls into his awaiting arms, desperate to be soaked up in his arms and his scent and everything _Finn_.

They sit like that, begging the world around them to disappear, for all their troubles and hard decisions to be gone, and for this embrace to be it.

Eventually, he finds words that he didn't have before. "I wouldn't have convinced you against it Rachel." He kisses her forehead, "I couldn't do that do you."

"So… so you're not angry?"

"I'm heartbroken," he admits, "but not angry. Just… just heartbroken." Just like she is.

He doesn't think about how he got her pregnant. They're always safe, but these things happen, and he doesn't ask either. The last thing she needs right now is more stress. He can't bring himself to think of her sat alone as… as she went through something as horrible as _that_. Yet another time that month, he wishes he could turn back time.

"Do the girls know?" he asks tenderly.

"No. And please, I don't want them to know."

He nods, "Okay. I – I can do that."

"What about Jesse?" he asks thickly.

She pauses, eyes sad all over again. "Finn, I dumped Jesse the day after you left. You were right, I didn't care about him."

That should make him feel better, but it doesn't. If anything, he feels worse. Finn watches her for a little while, so quiet and thoughtful that it terrifies him a little, and later, he notes how tired she looks. "Come on, why don't you take a nap?"

She resists. "I have to pick up the girls from school soon."

"I'll do it," he kisses her, the action instantaneous, without thought. She doesn't seem all that surprised, and lets him carry her to the bedroom. The bed is unmade (she _always_ makes it) and the curtains kept closed. When she notes his curious expression, she confesses in a pained voice, "this morning I – I could barely bring myself to do anything…"

He nods, and doesn't make her say anymore. But only lays her on the soft bed, where she tiredly curls into herself.

Going to leave, she sits up a little. "Please, stay."

Finn couldn't say no if he wanted to, and for the record he really _doesn't_ want to. He slides in behind her, in a position that they've held hundreds of times before, only it's so different today. "I love you," he whispers in her ear. This isn't the way he ever imagined telling her, confessing such raw feelings, but he figures she needs to hear it now more than ever. So he leans in again, kissing just below her jaw, which tastes salty from her tears, "I love you so much, Rachel."

* * *

Emily and Allison hold onto either of his hands as they step into the apartment, and for a moment he can't help thinking how nice it is, and then they're both sprinting toward Rachel's room. "Mommy!" they shout in unison, bursting the door open before he can tell them not to.

"Girls, your mom is aslee –"

He stops abruptly as he looks at the scene, praying that Rachel isn't crying anymore. He'd hardly been able to tear himself away from her to go and get the girls, but he knew he had to. Slowing at the doorway, he watches the five and six year old climb up onto the bed with their mother, wanting to know why Finn's here and why she didn't pick them up, and then another list of more menial questions.

Rachel manages a small laugh, all evidence of her crying gone now. "Mommy wasn't feeling very well. So it's a good thing Finn was here, right?"

"He got us some candy from the store!" Emily beams, dropping him right in it.

He starts with an apologetic look to her, but Rachel's smile stops it in its tracks. "He did? That's nice of him. Did you say thank you?"

Allison crawls onto Rachel's lap. "_Of course_ mommy."

"That's my girls." She kisses them both on their forehead, closing her eyes and cherishing the moment. Finn tries to hold himself together at the sight of it.

"Is Finn gonna stay?"

The simple question causes an onslaught of emotions in both adults, and he tugs his eyes away as she hesitates over her answer. "Maybe just for the night," she eventually say, not wanting to disappoint her daughters.

"Yay!" Emily jumps down from the bed and runs up to Finn. She tugs at his shirt, "can I ride your bike for real this time?"

"Emily, no," Rachel says firmly. "You are far too young." She sits with Allison tucked neatly against her chest, the younger girl smiling.

"No fair," Emily pouts, staring up to Finn with pleading eyes.

He holds up his hands in surrender. "Sorry kid, what mom says goes." She continues with her disappointment, and he doesn't know what comes over him as he leans down to her level, smiling softly. "How about we treat ourselves to some take out though? Some pizza, maybe some ice cream and whatever movie you want."

She beams, "mommy, can we?"

Rachel's smile falters, "I don't know if we can afford –"

"My treat," Finn cuts her off, adding, "it's the least I can do." Only Rachel understand that, giving a tentative nod before leading her daughters into the living room. Emily instantly starts thinking of what movie she wants while Allison plays with her dolls, so he takes advantage of the small moment with Rachel, "you okay?"

She nods half-heartedly.

"Rach."

"I'll be fine," she says, "honestly. You know, you don't need to do this, Finn."

"I do."

She observes him slowly, as his eyes drift over the girls, a faint smile playing on his lips. "I think I'd like to stay, you know."

"Stay the night?" she sucks in a breath, "Finn –"

"Not the night, Rach. I mean, stay. For good." Rachel can only stare at him, in disbelief, before he adds, "If you'll have me."

Tears start rising in her eyes for the hundredth time that day, but he's relieved to see happy tears rather than those pain stricken ones. "That's… of course you can stay Finn – it's all I've ever wanted. B-but…"

"But?"

Her eyes harden, "you have to promise me that you mean it. That you're committed to us, Finn. I can't truly give my heart until I know that."

"Rachel Berry, I promise you that you're it, you are my everything. I've screwed up too many times with you and I am not about to do that again. It took some other dude to make me realize that I can't lose you, I just _can't_."

"I don't want to lose you either. But if you leave again, that's it. No more chances."

"I won't," he cups her chin, staring into her watery eyes, "I swear I won't."

She watches him slowly, thoughtfully. He can see her trying to check his expression for any tell that he's lying. But then she seems satisfied, allowing a genuine smile to creep onto her lips. "Okay."

* * *

**Hope you like it. I didn't tie too many loose ends together, leaving a lot up to the imagination as to what happens. **

**Please review :)**


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